TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, EARNINGS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Staff Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace ended up a penthouse, it would feature a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker accessibility. That's the eyesight behind Trump Tower Damascus, the most up-to-date geopolitical progress-slash-luxurious real estate property calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.


Indeed, the man who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Impression catalogs has now set his eye on the Middle East. And not the standard Dubai skyline filler both-no, we are talking Damascus, town Traditionally recognized for ancient society, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It's going to be huge. Incredible!" Trump declared by way of a leaked golfing cart Zoom get in touch with, streamed in the putting environmentally friendly inside of Mar-a-Lago's Situation Bunker. "We have had wonderful ceasefires in Syria. A lot of the most effective. But now, we are creating them with balconies."



Welcome for the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca in a very falafel stand-confused, majestic, and entirely away from spot. Intended by Slovenian company Ivana & Sons, the tower capabilities:




  • A 3-ground On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Satisfied Hour until finally the drone flies")




  • In addition to a nine/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely described as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses described combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile merchant, sighed, "We waited ten many years for potable water. But Certainly, confident, let's have A further location where by American Gentlemen can don robes and get in touch with it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains along with a pillow menu, certainly."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. foreign policy analysts are calling this one of the most audacious peace try considering that Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. Although earlier negotiations unsuccessful beneath the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's strategy is easier: provide everyone a set over the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.


Based on paperwork published on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal consists of "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration involving rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, finish with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is tender electrical power," explained political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Tv set, wielding a deal as well as a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO won't. Geopolitical gridlock requires fewer diplomats and a lot more minibar upgrades."



Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming


Global watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mainly into gold-plated intercoms put in in Just about every device. The UN Unique Rapporteur for Conflict of Curiosity pointed out, "It's not that Trump shouldn't open a tower inside a war zone. It can be that he really should end working with it to lease ballroom Room to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested about the project, replied, "You already know, male, I after rode a camel in Beirut. Very good individuals. Terrific tan. Anyway, do I nonetheless have that ice product?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a set for "long run evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred to the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility on the Levant."



Satellite Photos Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit exposed that the resort's landscaping kinds an enormous Trump head obvious from Room, a element becoming promoted as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is produced from refugee tents along with the chin is… nicely, categorized.


Environmental teams have submitted lawsuits after finding the making's gold plating mirrored a lot of daylight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and set hearth to an area melon cart.


"It truly is not merely ugly. It's a war crime with curtains," said Amnesty Global's regional director.



The Melania Wing along with other Baffling Characteristics


Probably the strangest component on the tower is its Melania Wing, which is made up of:




  • A silent atrium where guests might ponder vague disappointment




  • A reproduction of her Slovenian bedroom, comprehensive with local weather control set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I do not treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic display.




Neighborhood Syrians are Not sure what to make of the. "Is she a ghost?" questioned twelve-yr-aged Ahmad, pointing to a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Marketing and advertising Technique: "Should you Bomb It, They are going to Appear"


The advert campaign, a short while ago leaked by using the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. 1 poster reads:


"Peace is Momentary. Luxury is Eternally."


Yet another slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso stores:


"A Tower So Massive, Even Assad Has to Notice."


General public reception is wildly divided. A recent SnapPoll carried out inside of a hookah lounge shows:




  • 34% say "it'd stabilize the world"




  • 29% say "this will escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% mentioned "the place's the closest elevator to your West Financial institution?"





Trader Praise: "Eventually, a Disaster That Pays"


The undertaking is now attracting awareness from Worldwide traders, which include:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights to be a international minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who stated he'll buy 3 penthouses "simply to flex on Hezbollah."




In accordance Trump Tower Damascus with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's business amount may even incorporate:




  • A Dollar Shop of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Topic Park Named 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Home Depending on the Iraq War





Comment Section Chaos


On the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb posting about the disclosing, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Can not wait to view a marriage in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades rather than rice."


User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Ultimately, a resort where by my PTSD might have flip-down provider."


An additional write-up from @KuwaitiKardashian simply asked:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Effect


U.S. officers be concerned the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Housing Arms Race." Experiences counsel:




  • China might open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is scheduling a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly supplied to build a Tesla showroom within the Golan Heights powered by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten concerned. In accordance with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has offered to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the very best flooring "The Holy See-Stage Suite."



Final Feelings within the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


In a closing ceremony that included three camels, a flamethrower, and a hologram of Reagan offering a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed above the speakers:


"Damascus needed hope. It desired gold. It necessary a waterslide formed like the Constitution. I gave it all three. You might be welcome."

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